If you’ve ever been in a relationship, you’re most likely aware of the fact that there will be times when you’re faced with difficulties, issues, misunderstandings, and general feelings of confusion. When asking ourselves questions such as, “Will my partner change?” and “What if our relationship becomes even worse after my partner changes?” keep in mind that these are the times for a serious evaluation of your surrounding reality. In this article, we’ll offer advice on how to proceed when your mind is saying one thing, but your heart is saying something completely different.
The first step to take would be to get rid of the desire to escape from your problems. Remember that your life and your future depends on the decisions that you make and take a serious approach to issues in your relationship.
WeGoRo believes in the power of love and wants to offer you some insight into how to act in situations that can often lead to fights, hurt feelings, and emotional stress.
Quarrels and disagreements in relationships are perfectly normal. All people are different, and sometimes your perception of situations simply does not match. If your partner can take offense at the fact that you require a lot of time to get ready or at an inoffensive (in your opinion) joke — there is nothing extraordinary about this. Fighting is unpleasant but you can always make up. Don’t be afraid to take the first step and don’t be afraid to say what irritates you right away. It is better to have a constructive conversation so that each partner understands which boundaries should not be crossed and learn the characteristics of the perception of the other. Strong relationships depend on the mutual work of both partners.
However, there are situations that shouldn’t be accepted or forgiven. If your man hits you, there is no excuse for that. Many women put up with abuse for a long time and believe in a completely absurd attitude that it’s somehow “the woman’s fault.” If your partner believes that he is free to act like a cruel dictator and can hit you, then it is better to immediately end this relationship. Bruises pass, but the psychological trauma can last a lifetime. Do not be afraid to be alone for a while and seek help and support from relatives, friends, and social organizations.
Have you ever been in a situation when someone told a joke and laughed at it loudly while you couldn’t understand what’s funny about it? We all have a different sense of humor and sometimes it can be pretty specific. If you don’t understand when to laugh while watching The Simpsons while your partner is rolling on the floor laughing, it probably means that you will have to spend a bit more time when it comes to choosing what you want to watch together.
But humor doesn’t need to be justified by specificity if your partner laughs at jokes that offend people on sexual, racial, or social grounds as well as jokes about mutilation and illness. Try to explain to him that such jokes cause even more hatred and intolerance in the world. By encouraging such humor, a person increases the discrimination of certain segments of the population of the planet. And you yourself shouldn’t laugh at another joke about blond girls and later get surprised why women are never taken seriously.
If your partner tries to prove that “these people” should be laughed at, then it’s probably beyond your capabilities to try to change this on your own.
If your chosen one meets you after work and offers to escort you home after a date, it means that he cares about your safety and wants to make sure you’re OK.
But if he forbids you to meet other people without him, asks you to report on your actions when you are at work or at home alone, makes you tell him passwords from your social networks, then it sounds like manipulation and psychological violence. Total control is the desire to suppress your free will. “I am doing it for your sake,” and other similar phrases are only a way to mask this suppression. The lack of personal space leads to stress and the desire to get rid of it by consuming lots of alcohol, suppressing emotions, and other harmful ways.
We can all feel jealous sometimes. If your partner has friends and female colleagues with whom he maintains a friendly relationship, this does not mean that he is trying to cheat on you. If you don’t like these friendships, it’s necessary to speak to your partner about your feelings. Offer to go for a walk or spend some time together with his female friends. Most likely, he will not mind because it’s wonderful when a person has many friends and they all maintain a friendly relationship among themselves.
But you should be alert if your partner hides his communication with other women, constantly changes the topic, and violently reacts to questions about female friends. If he doesn’t want to introduce you to each other, then it’s possible that they’re not even aware of your existence.
It often happens that many men are unaccustomed to conducting household chores in the family. He may not be able to cook, may not have the habit of washing dishes, and may not understand how to use a washing machine. If you get very tired doing household chores, try to reach a compromise and share the responsibilities by gradually helping each other become accustomed to maintaining cleanliness.
But if your man openly says that cleaning and cooking are your duties and reproaches you with every speck of dust, then you should begin to worry. The position “your place is in the kitchen” is unacceptable. If this is what he believes, then he most likely perceives you as an object and not as a beloved person.
Humans are vulnerable and it is very easy to hurt them. Sometimes the insult can be very painful and a person may need some time to recover or to be alone. But eventually, true feelings will be stronger than all of the offenses, especially if you yourself contribute to it too. Dedicate more time to stories about your feelings and help each other during difficult times. Remember that hurting another person is as easy as hurting you.
But if hurtful offenses occur constantly and conversations and compromises lead to nowhere, you may be dealing with a manipulator and a psychological abuser. Especially when the offense is accompanied by punishment such as a refusal to give money because “you don’t deserve it,” or forced sexual abstinence or boycotting. Respect yourself and do not mix up the fragility of a person’s soul with violence over you. No one should think that he has the right to punish you.
Many people want to hear affectionate and tender words every day. However, some men don’t use them lavishly. Do not worry — it could be due to their upbringing, attitudes from childhood, or simply personality traits. Remeber that love is demonstrated not through words, but through actions. There are many languages of love, instead of words, feelings, touches, attention, help, and much more that can convey true feelings.
But if your man not only simply doesn’t tell you about his feelings, but also puts you down in private or in front of strangers, this cannot be justified by his personal characteristics. When he insults you in the presence of friends, tells an embarrassing story, says that you are not good at something — this is direct depreciation, manipulation, and psychological violence.
We all go through difficult times. Sometimes all we want and need to do is to take a “time-out” and spend some time alone or resting.
But if your man keeps suffering after being laid off for months or even years, does nothing at home, and spends the whole day in front of the computer, then it’s worth showing him and understanding yourself what is really going on. Maybe your partner is suffering from severe depression. If this is the case, then you need to seek help from a professional and, of course, help your loved one get out of the crisis. But the important thing to remember is that apart from being symptoms of depression, this type of behavior could be ordinary laziness, narcissism, and parasitism.
Some men rarely call first and don’t always offer to go somewhere. Some men don’t like spending hours on the phone or messaging back and forth on social media. If that’s the case, then you’re probably dealing with someone who is introverted. Or your partner is simply shy when it comes to expressing his feelings. A good solution here would be to talk to him. Tell him that you have deep feelings for him and it would be nice if you meet up and communicate more often. If this man likes you, he will be glad to fulfill your request or will at least explain the reasons for his behavior. It could be that he’s stressed about work or other issues.
If such a conversation brings no results, then it is likely that he doesn’t consider your relationship to be serious. Remember yourself — is it really so nice to be waiting for his phone call and to reschedule your life in those rare moments when he suddenly decides to ask you out on a date?
Sometimes it’s really hard for a man to understand why you need a new dress when you have 5 more hanging in your closet. And it’s possible that his financial situation doesn’t allow him the opportunity to buy you expensive jewelry. In such cases, one shouldn’t get offended but should focus on working together to strive for the desired prosperity and choose the right values.
But if your partner forbids you to buy something that you need, like a winter jacket, for example, because your old one is worn out and doesn’t keep you warm anymore, you shouldn’t accept that. He might have some psychological issues. And it’s probably a form of control and a full depreciation of your needs.
Do you agree that there are situations when simply forgiving and forgetting is not an option? What did you think about the points brought up in this article? We would be glad to hear your opinion in the comments!
Illustrated by Yekaterina Ragozina for BrightSide.me